Tom Cardy

[Spoken, DM, unnamed guy, Steve, Tom] On the horizon of this forest path, you see a group of dark cloaked figures slowly trudging towards you. What do you do? My half-orc barbarian braces her greathammer and-- that's a One Critical fail. Steve, what do you do? Well, I believe in anticipation, my rogue would try and hide behind a tree-- okay, I rolled a One That's another critical fail. Tom, what does your human bard do? Active Perception Check ...That's a Natural 20 Let's fucking go [Verse 1] I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes These motherfuckers mean to harm us And they got to go, so come on, get 'em now! You picked the wrong day to fuck around with my Tight crew, oh ho There's no escaping it, I can perceive you And here's what we're gonna do [Verse 2 - Tom, Unnamed Guy & Steve] Me and my boys gonna mess you up I rolled a One I rolled a One Fuck My boys are otherwise engaged So I'm gonna bring it all myself, hey [Spoken, Tom, DM] I forgot, you're supposed to tell me what I see, right? Yes, thank you. Let's just slow it all down a bit. So, you notice that one of the hooded figures is a little shorter-- I cast Vicious Mockery. Nat 20, let's go [Verse 3] You're a short motherfucker and Nobody likes you SHORT! Everybody says "Look how fucking short that guy is" And that stops you from forming meaningful relationships And when you were born, everybody thought That you were just a head, but then the doctor said "Wait, this stupid muthafuckin' tiny short ass Baby got a tiny little itty bitty body and I hate it" [Spoken, DM, Tom] Your attack lands and absolutely shatters the mind of the cloaked figure. Perception Check, please Nat 20, let's go! You perceive the figure was so short because it was a CHILD It's always a kid Specifically the child you've been looking for for the last 15 days game time and 5 days of our actual lives Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't know, I'll be better. Fuck, his body's just lying there, right? Right? Yes...? Don't-- [Verse 4] Loot that body (Gotta loot that body now!) Loot that body! (Gotta loot that motherfucker!) Playing my flute when I loot that dead kid's body Bitch