Machines Are People Too



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Title: Life of Brian [Stewie and Brian are screaming while running down the street being chased by some Native Americans] Stewie: Hurry, Brian. They're gaining on us! [Stewie and Brian are on a bridge as Native Americans approach from both sides] Brian: Dammit, we're surrounded [Stewie and Brian jump off the bridge into the water and swim away while the Native Americans continue to shoot at them] Native American 1: Crap, they got away Native American 2: Better call the boss. [Rubs stick on rock] Damn, I'm not getting a smoke signal out here [Third Native American bangs drum and turns rain stick upside down] Brian: Dammit, Stewie, what the hell did you do? Stewie: I know, I know. I messed up Brian: "I messed up." You went back to 17th century Jamestown and you gave guns to the Indians and now they're running everything! Stewie: I said I messed up, alright. I guess I just have this pathological need to be liked Brian: Well it's not a good trait Stewie: Aw, come on, don't say that. Lemme buy you lunch Brian: Thanks to you the Indians killed all the white people and took over America. I mean, you're the one that's always saying never alter the past Stewie: Oh come on, Brian, let's be honest, I frequently alter the past [Cut to the Last Supper] Jesus: Alright, so uh, I guess we'll split the bill 13 ways? Stewie: Hey, Judas, he ordered like 5 margaritas all you had was a salad [Stewie and Brian run into an alley] Brian: You know it actually looks like the Native Americans have done alright for themselves. They do seem to have a lot of shops [Cut to Jean Jacket store next to All Other Stuff store] Stewie: And it looks like they have medical care as well [Cut to hospital] Native American Doctor: Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I've done this several times today and your husband just isn't responding Native American Wife: Well, have you tried this? Native American Doctor: Ma'am, this is a place of medicine Stewie: And their popular music is interesting [Cut to radio station] Native American Radio Host: And here it is, the number 1 song for the 10,000th week in a row: "Huyah, Huyah, Huyah" [Chanting plays on radio as host leans back in his chair] Stewie: Well, no matter, we better restore things to the way they were. Let's go back to Jamestown and undo...oh dear! Brian: What, what is it? Stewie: The return pad! Looks like it took some bullets during our escape. Doesn't seem to be working Brian: Hmmm... Stewie: What, whatwhatwhatwhat is that? What is that "hmmm"? What are you looking for? What are you looking for specifically? Yeah, that's right. But I'm afraid our only hope is perhaps the alternate version of Stewie in this universe has created his own time machine that we can use Brian: Well, let's hope so, otherwise they're gonna kill us Stewie: Yeah, or stick us on some kind of white people reservation [Cut to two white people on the sidewalk as two Native Americans drive up] Native American Driver: Don't give them any money! They're just gonna spend it all on deviled-eggs [Cut to the Native American version of Peter and his family] Native American Lois: Well there's my brave warrior. How was work today? Native American Peter: Oh it was so annoying, everyone was coming around with their daughters selling girl scout corn. It made me feel so guilty, I had to buy like 20 ears Native American Brian: Hey, shot in the dark, but uh, is anyone else in the mood to run really fast in one direction? [Stewie and Brian climb through Native American Stewie's window] Brian: Look there it is! Stewie: And it looks like he has a return pad too! Alright, come on, let's get back to Jamestown and set things right [They enter the time machine and appear in Jamestown] Brian: Look, there you are giving them the guns [Brian walks past with a Native American woman] Stewie: What the hell are you doing there? You told me you were checking on the horses Brian: Well, she's a sizable woman, that's what I meant Stewie: Alright, come on, we've gotta get those guns back. [to Native Americans] Hey, hi, how are you today? Good to see you. Listen, we've just been informed that these guns are defective. Uh, we're from the gun company. Anyhow, you know how we like to take things back from you people? We're gonna go ahead and take these back Brian: That's right, we're from Gun Co Stewie: Shut up, you're blowing it Native American 3: Where you taking guns? Stewie: Brian, grab the return pad Native American 4: Get 'em, pale face! [Stewie and Brian time travel away] Native American 3: They're gone. We can talk normal now [Stewie and Brian walk out of the time machine back in Stewie's room] Brian: Well, looks like everything's back to normal Stewie: Only one way to be certain. Okay, let's do a quick search here. Native American role models. 0 results found, looks like we did it, Brian Brian: Oh, thank god. Hey, what are you gonna do with all those guns? Stewie: I don't know, sell them to some messed-up kid? [Later, Brian is walking through the hallway] Brian: What the hell is that? Stewie? [Brian enters Stewie's room to find him breaking apart the time machine] Brian: Oh my god! What are you doing?! Stewie: This time machine has almost killed us a hundered times, Brian. And yesterday was just too close a call. So I've decided to get rid of it before something irreparable happens Brian: But Stewie, your time machine, it's like your crowning achievement! I can't believe you'd just destroy it! Stewie: Trust me, Brian, it's for the best. And hey, at least I've had some fun with it. Do you know what I did last week? I time-traveled ahead to Christmas so I wouldn't have to wait all year for the new toys to come out [Cut to Stewie in toy store] Cashier: Wow, good timing little fella, this just came out today Stewie: Uh, yeah, I kinda knew that already Cashier: Would you like to donate an extra dollar to the Quahog food bank? Stewie: Oh, sure! And would you like to come home and clean my toilet, while we're both doing stuff for each other? [At the junkyard, Stewie's time machine gets crushed] Brian: Well, I guess that's it. This is like the end of an era Stewie: Oh sack up you twink, it's just a machine! Brian: God, look at all the perfectly good stuff that people just throw out for no reason Stewie: I don't know, it's mostly twin mattresses. If you have a twin mattress aren't you pretty much a failure as a human being? Brian: No, I mean it, like here look at this street hockey net, it's in great shape. You know, we should take this home and set it up. Get some fresh air, get some exercise Stewie: Yeah, I suppose I could use a new hobby now that the time machine is gone Brian: You sure you're not gonna miss that thing? Stewie: I was getting bored of it anyway. You know not every historical event is all it's cracked up to be [Cut to women's rights meeting at the 1920 election] Woman: Women, we've spent decades fighting for our right to vote, so when you go to those booths and cast your ballot remember: Warren G Harding is way the cutest! She screams as the rest of the women scream and start a pillow fight and [music plays in the background] [Stewie and Brian walk out to the street with hockey stuff] Stewie: Okay, Brian, I'm just putting this out there, but I'm a baby and only dicks don't let babies win Brian: God, look at this day, huh? You know usually I'd be sitting inside writing, you'd be working on one of your machines, but here we are enjoying it Stewie: Yes, it is a nice change of pace. Oh wait, I gotta go grab my knee pads, I was using them for...for...for this other thing. Anyway I'll be right back [Stewie walks away as a car comes racing down the street] Stewie: Brian, look out! [The car hits Brian] Stewie: Ahh, Brian! [The rest of the Griffin family race outside] Lois: Oh my God! Brian! Brian, can you hear me? Peter: Holy crap, what the hell happened? [A squirrel walks over and kicks Brian in the face] Squirrel: That guy sucked [The Griffin family is in the waiting room of the Veterinary Hospital] Meg: Mom, is Brian gonna be okay? Lois: I don't know, Meg, but this is the best veterinarian in Quahog. Brian's getting the finest care there is Stewie: He had to share the ambulance with a chicken Peter: [to chicken] Umm, aren't you supposed to be running around? Chicken: Don't talk to me, you have a bad reputation in the chicken community Lois: [to doctor] Doctor, how is Brian? Is he gonna be okay? Doctor: I'm so sorry Mrs. Griffin, but Brian's injuries are just too severe for us to save him. I don't know how much longer he has, but I suggest that you all go in and say your goodbyes [The family enter the operating room] Lois: Oh my God. Brian, no! Peter: I can't believe it, you're really... Stewie: Dammit, Brian, you can't die. We were gonna do so many things together. We were gonna become wind surfers. I was gonna be a little better than you, but we were both gonna be good [Brian mumbles something] Lois: You guys, I think Brian's trying to say something Brian: You-you've given me a wonderful life. I love you all [Brian dies] Doctor: I'm sorry, he's gone Chris: Oh my god, he's... Lois: Yes, Chris, I'm afraid...I'm afraid that our Brian is dead [Everyone is crying and holding each other] [The Griffin family go back to the house] Peter: Guys, I'm gonna need a few minutes alone upstairs. I'm gonna do like a sad yank Stewie: [as he cleans up the street hockey stuff] Stupid street hockey, I wish we'd never went to that dump. Oh, this is all my fault! I'm the one that had to throw away the damn time machine. Wait a minute, that's it! I've just gotta rebuild the time machine and then I can go back and save Brian [Mort pulls up and takes the hockey goal] Mort: Oh, happy birthday Neil [Stewie is at a fair] Yusef: Stewie! How are you? Stewie: Oh not well, Yusef. I need your help. I have to track down a titanium capacitor for a high wattage mainframe I'm going to construct Yusef: Titanium capacitors? Sorry, there's no way to get those anymore Stewie: What do you mean? You've gotten them for me before Yusef: I know, but the one guy who made those drew a doodle of Mohammed, so he's not around anymore. He wasn't even doing it on purpose, just absent-mindedly while talking on the phone, but it was Mohammed know Stewie: Oh, that's awful! Okay Yusef, thanks anyway. [to Rupert] Oh dear, Rupert, without those capacitors it'll be completely impossible to build a functioning time machine. I guess that means Brian is really gone for good [At Brian's funeral] Lois: [to Joe and Bonnie] Thank you so much for coming, guys. Brian would be very thankful that you're here Joe: No problem, Lois. You know I usually don't come to funerals. Since I'm a cop, I always wind up getting hit by a black women with her purse Angry Black Woman: You find the man who did this Joe: Uh, ma'am...what's your relationship to Brian? Angry Black Woman: You bring him to justice. You make sure this angel child didn't die for nothing Joe: Are you sure you're at the right funeral, Ma'am? Brian's a dog Angry Black Woman: You show the world why you became a cop Joe: Okay Lois: Thank you everyone for coming today Mayor West: None of you people came to my funeral Lois: I know Peter wanted to say a few words Peter: Oh boy, this is um...this is probably the worst pain I've ever had to go through and I've sprained my ankle twice. Umm, the truth is, Brian wasn't just my dog. He was my best friend in the whole world. He was smart, he was loyal, and...I guess what I'm trying to say is, he was like a brother to me and...I'm gonna spend the rest of my life missing him [Peter begins to cry as Lois grabs his hand] Lois: We're all gonna miss him, Peter. We're all gonna miss him very much Quagmire: Dammit, Ortiz, stop swingin' at junk [Brian casket lowers into the ground as the family watches, crying. Stewie throws the final rose on top] [The Griffin family is at the table eating, a month later without Brian] Lois: Oh my god, I almost served Brian again. I can't believe he's been gone a whole month Stewie: Can we at least get rid of the doggie door so Chris doesn't keep getting stuck in it? Chris: Every day I get a little further in Lois: You know I hate to say it, but I'm startin' to think the only way to stop missing Brian is to get a new dog Peter: Or do we all get Ghostbuster jumpsuits with our names on 'em? Who you gonna call? The Griffins Lois: I'm serious, Peter. I know it might take time to find the right dog, but I really feel like it might be the best way for us to move on Chris: Yeah, dad Meg: That would be nice Peter: Alright, well I guess it couldn't hurt to look Stewie: Really? Another dog? Look I miss Brian more than any of you, but at least now no one's forcing us to watch those awful PBS documentaries [Cut to PBS documentary] Voiceover: And now, PBS presents, "Albino Children Are Normal" Host: So, with the exception of not being able to go out in the sun, you're completely normal? Albino child: Yes. The moon is my sun. I like to kill beetles. Beetles are teachers. I sleep with a fork [The Griffin family enters the pet store] Lois: Alright guys, time to find a new family dog Stewie: Hey Chris, you're kind of a creep, you should get a ferret Chris: You're right, I am, and I will! Lois: I don't know how to choose between all these dogs Vinny: Hey you, green pants. I hear you're looking for a dog or something Peter: Finally, someone who sounds like they went to college. Hi, I'm Peter Vinny: Vinny Peter: Oh, Vinny, like the Pooh. That's kinda cool. So what's your story? Vinny: Oh, you know, I'm just a regular guy. You throw a stick, maybe I bring it back, maybe I bring back an iPhone that fall off a truck. So what do you say, you want me as your dog? Peter: Yeah, I think I do! Hey, just out of curiosity, what breed are you? Vinny: Actually, I'm a pussy hound Peter: Really? Alright! Vinny: That just means I'm 1/16th cat Peter: Oh, I wish you hadn't told me that [Back at the house, the family bring home Vinny] Peter: Well, Vinny, welcome to our home Vinny: Alright. This is good, this is good. Hey you guys got a good bangin' broads couch, you know that? Lois: Vinny, you must be starving. What can I make you for dinner? Vinny: Are you kiddin'? You're a hard workin' lady. So tonight, I'm gonna make you dinner Lois: Wow, well thank you Vinny Stewie: Woah, hang on Lois, you promised me we were all eating my Play-Doh pasta tonight Lois: Oh, Stewie, did you make something? Mmm, oh, it's so yummy! Mmm, oh, num num num Stewie: You better mean those nums Vinny: [to Chris] Hey you, what's your name? Chris: Chris Vinny: How 'bout I call you hat boy? Chris: Hell yeah! Lois: Lower your voice, Chris Chris: It's hat boy, bitch Peter: Wow, look at you, Vinny. It's like you're already part of the family Stewie: I don't know, fat man, I think you're jumping the gun. I mean crucifixion seemed great at first too [Cut to guard nailing some guy onto a cross] Guard 2: Why are you doing that? Guard 1: Cause I'm mad at this guy Guard 2: I'm mad at this jar of pickles I can't open Guard 1: Nail it up! [At the Drunken Clam Peter enters with Vinny] Peter: [to Joe and Quagmire] Hey guys, I want you to meet our new dog, Vinny. Vinny, this is Joe and Quagmire Quagmire: Hi Vinny Joe: How you doin'? Vinny: Real good. [to Joe] Hey, so I hear you're a cop Joe: That's right Vinny: Hey, that's great. Maybe sometime you can take me on a ride-along with ya, show me the neighborhood Joe: Yeah, I don't take people out on ride-alongs anymore. I had a bad experience with Grimace [Cut to Joe in the car with Grimace] Joe: I gotta be honest, I can't get a bead on you man [Grimace turns his head slowly to Joe, then slowly back] [At the house] Peter: Oh boy, Vinny, hangin' out with you has been the best. You want another beer? Vinny: No. I'd love one! [They both laugh] Peter: But, the first thing you said was, ah haha, oh my god, you're like on another level Vinny Stewie: Congratulations, you've won over a complete imbecile Vinny: Woah, woah, woah. Did you just speak ill of the man who busts his tail providing for you? Stewie: He spent my college fund on puppet clothes Vinny: Hey, don't get fresh with me Estudio Stewie: That's not my name. That's not even an Italian version of my name Vinny: Whatever Peter: [shouting from the other room] Hey Vinny, you wanna see a puppet show? They all got leather jackets! Stewie: God, what a jerk. If this guy thinks he's sticking around, he's sorely mistaken. I'm going to ruin him! Just like I ruined that magician's act [Cut to magician sawing a woman in half] Stewie: People, people, people. This man drives a Saturn [Stewie is on the stairs watching Vinny on the couch] Stewie: Alright, Rupert, I've been left with no choice. I'm going to tell Vinny so much bad news about Italian-Americans that he goes into cardiac arrest. Vinny, there you are, I have some terrible news! Sal Enuncio's kid was killed by a falling piano Vinny: [groaning] How could this happen? The kid was an honors student, he just applied to SUNY Albany Stewie: He just got in to SUNY Albany! Vinny: [groaning] This is too much, Stewie, I can't take it Stewie: Oh my god, it's working Chris: Hey Vinny, Bobby Lamidero's kid just got out of the hospital, he beat the cancer Vinny: Oh, thank heavens. The man in the sky knows what he's doing Stewie: Chris, what are you doing? Chris: Call me a creep you piece of crap! [Chris punches Stewie] Vinny: [reading the newspaper] Hey Doonesbury, how about a joke that ain't for fancy millionaires? [Stewie is outside crying. Vinny comes outside] Vinny: Stewie, what's with the waterworks? Stewie: Oh, uh, I realized I paid too much for my muffler Vinny: Com on kid, quit cryin', you're gonna get your paints wrinkled. What's the matter? Stewie: Fine. Do you want to know what's the matter? You're the matter. Everyone in this family is so damn thrilled with you they've forgotten all about Brian. Well I'm not thrilled. I'll never forget Brian. He was my best friend. You're not supposed to lose your best friend at my age. You're not supposed to lose him ever Vinny: Look, Stewie, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you're gonna be okay Stewie: Yeah, right. How do you know? Vinny: Because, I once had a thing happen to me with some stuff Stewie: Really? That's what's happening to me. Stuff Vinny: You know before you guys found me at the shop, I lived with an old man named Leo. It was just him and me in a tiny apartment and we got pretty tight. He kinda became my whole world. By the time he passed away it was real tough Stewie: So, how did he die? Vinny: He tried to go to a yoga class and on the first pose his ballsack split in half Stewie: Really? Vinny: Yeah, it was on Dateline, it was a whole thing. Anyway, I guess Leo was kinda like my Brian Stewie: So how'd you get over him? Vinny: Well, I met your family in the pet store. When I saw you guys were lookin' for a dog, I kinda sensed you all were going through the same feelings of loss that I was and it made me think, hey, maybe I was meant to find these guys. Maybe we were meant to be together Stewie: You know what, Vinny. I'm starting to think that may be true Vinny: Hehe, bring it in, Stewie [Stewie and Vinny hug] Vinny: Hey, Stewie, now that we're pals, maybe you can answer me somethin'. Why does your living room smell like puke? Someone throw up in there once? Stewie: Vinny my friend, you've got a lot of stories to catch up on. I've got most of them on DVD Vinny: Oh cool. Like by season and stuff? Stewie: Haha, no not by season [Lois goes to put Stewie to bed with Vinny] Lois: Boy, I can't remember the last time Stewie fell asleep this early Vinny: Well, I think the little guy had a long day Lois: Alright, come on, time for bed Vinny. I'll tell Peter to turn off the nightlight this time Peter: [from the other room] No! I need it for in case there's witches Vinny: You know actually, Lois. I think I'm gonna sleep in here with Stewie tonight Lois: Oh, well isn't that nice. Sleep tight you two Stewie: Goodnight Vinny Vinny: Goodnight Stewie Witch: Hey, you guys know which room is Peter's? Vinny: Across the hall Witch: Ah, it's too bright in there. Nevermind