Best Kept Secret

[Round 1: The Saurus] I heard Steve was runnin' late for this They said, "How did you know?" His nose told me, when I bumped into it several hours ago I know you claim No Coast, but my whole coast claims me Reap what you sow Then can I give 'em shine to grow they seeds? Well, okay, Steve Get the notes in order: do-re-mi And I'll clip his whole dang team: that's OKC! They say I'm in the Stone Age, back on my '08 steez No HD, the Blueprint: old Jay-Z Y'all tryna hear Coldplay sing or Cobain scream? Y'all fuckin' with homemade speed or cocaine ki's!? I'm sayin' X should step it up a bit Maybe get some drugs to mix with extra substances 'Cause I don't think X is cut for this Every punch connects to show you what the Second Coming is Turn X to dust from the Exodus that X is up against And this is only one percent of what you get Cut the check I'll come collect the bounty, huntin' heads like Boba Fett Throwin' some event tryna use me to prove he's on the come-up next But I've double-checked the numbers, and you're just another random number, X Nonetheless, I'll rip this square apart You can't compare the art MC Escher: it can go any direction when the staring starts Put two blades to his helmet like Derek Carr's Or bitch, I'm bearin' arms like Bill and Ted wit' the air guitars! Excellent! The green light on X is lit! Extra clips! Westside Connect your shit if I hear any lip from X a bit (Xzibit) Anyone I coulda went against would end up dead from this I was deemin' (demon) to leave a body What possessed y'all to let X assist (Exorcist)? [Round 1: XQZ] I say, yo! Another war in Peace Park, and I'm feelin' armed for conquest Francis Quad columns transform to Parthenon steps Went from a vacant town to sacred grounds where Spartan gods met This the scene that I fathered I'm here to guard what little part I got left See the Berlin Theatre walls marked with carvings all etched Rest in Peace, Loony Bin, cross my heart and God bless I been doin' this since way before any of us had clout I represented this league, no matter how much we'd get bad-mouthed I beat deadBeat for the title on the front porch of my frathouse I proposed to my ex over there, then over there, I went streaking after I blacked out Too true Jumped in the game like the Zou Crew Before the shot, Blue Note After the shot, Blue Fugue! We in CoMo, and it's still Z-O-U for life I lived here seven years, so I got recommendations if you're lookin' for shit to do tonight And you must be happy to be here too, right? I mean, I know how much you reduced your price Another The Saurus battle at a 10-year anniversary where the Math came in super light! Breathe, motherfucker! And y'all might wanna move a couple feet back now 'Cause when The Saurus is a fan of his opponent, he fuckin' reacts wild Throwin' elbows, punchin' walls... Fuckin' relax, Kyle Shoulda canceled before the 30: this a free app trial This gon' cost you! I said, I was circumventin' the same halls I walked through as a nerdy freshman Nervous, sweatin', did that nose touch every thirty seconds Battle rap's best-kept secret from the first impression They ain't heard me step in I was lurkin' on the surface tension Grasshopper, watchin' urban legends beggin' for they worker's pension Barely worth rememberin', wonderin' why the culture turned against 'em I been patient Shit's been like waitin' for Raiden to charge Made sure to start this battle the way I'm endin' it I'm goin' straight to the bars We might as well have had McCartney and Lennon playin' guitar 'Cause no one's talkin' 'bout Pete Best once he gets replaced with a Star(r)! The Saurus didn't really ask for smoke with the Champ, did he? Shake hit me up for this battle, I said, "Maybe, man. I'm mad busy." {Shake] Yeah, it's for real [XQZ] I said, startin' your round off with a nose joke? I think that was a tad risky I followed my nose to get here...the nose of these two cans with me! Fuck you! Battle rap's favorite depressing great-uncle Joe Budden, went from Mr. JumpOff to bitchin' about his Everyday Struggle I hope you ain't come to play, Pete, 'cause this the lightest round I got for you I wrote that setup before I finished writing, so that actually might not be true But don't worry about how long we been doin' this, or if the style's a little old-fashioned 'Cause these bitches still don't know how to get rid of me like Closed Captions [Round 2: The Saurus] Y'all need to stand back a couple extra feet when my opponent's snappin'! Or in that round's case, don't worry 'Cause if you ain't noticed, no reaction My style's a mix of Homer's Odyssey and Greg Giraldo's roasts of comedy But he's gonna tell y'all that I'm so old and fatherly But Steve's the No Coast anomaly Who most folks just probably don’t know as commonly ‘Cause he has nothing to show for it, but he’s been battling almost as long as me XQZ…against Bruce Lee The landlord of this battle shit - your rent’s due, Steve You want smoke? I won’t let you breathe I stay putin’ out fire, I’m Denis Leary in Rescue Me Your best move would be to just stand there in traffic Or get clapped over a Dimebag on some Pantera fan shit Too bad we can’t share a classic ‘cause you ain’t that charismatic… But this gon’ be easier than John John thought your grandparents had it! And there you have it! Any problem, I’m gettin’ rid of it Left my signature right next to the X on his death certificate Now that’s even less considerate than you expected, isn’t it? I came to call X a bitch in this, and then let y’all witness it like an exhibitionist! Just live with it, I’m stuntin’ his progression Last call at sunrise: this bitch is gon’ get ugly in a second First Flag, then you? Two up-and-comers tested Bagged ‘em both back-to-back: shit, I’m Lucky Number Slevin! Everybody wants to be a legend, but it isn’t likely I ain’t seen a rapper big (B.I.G) enough to Hypnotize me since the ‘90s We coulda done this in Chicago Don’t think I’d kill you in your city? Try me I got priors pitchin’, but I put those bricks behind me like the Wrigley ivy Time! [Round 2: XQZ] Yeah, yeah, yeah… We all know The Saurus can rap [The Saurus] We do, we do [XQZ] But you know where the real displays of his genius live? [Shake] Tell us [XQZ] When he gets in the…intelligent debates with battle fans, whom he’s always very reasonable with His tweets are sick! For example, if you don’t have The Saurus on your Mount Rushmore You should eat a dick and find some bleach to sip When The Saurus notices someone from the GOP exists, he is pissed And even though, politically, you’re someone that I’m typically in agreement with All biases aside, you’re an inconsiderate piece of shit I mean, Twitter’s a terrible place I mean, what some clowns do for some clout is reckless But tellin’ some random strangers to go drown to death? It just sounds pathetic I mean, he’s been banned from Twitter multiple times and keeps coming back Come to think of it, now I get it! I didn’t know this whole “Two Times Everything” thing included getting your account suspended I said, all I’m saying is if you haven’t been following battle rap since Scribble Jam, you’re a poser I mean, why wouldn’t you have been following when battles were worse and production values were lower? The freestyle days were dumb as fuck “Oh, off the top of the dome And to prove I’m freestyling, you’re wearing the following clothes” He acts like 2007 is some ancient time we couldn’t possibly know Like, “I’m from an era where YouTube videos took six seconds longer to load” (*pretends to check his phone*) Two seconds ago, he told a fan on Twitter, “You don’t deserve oxygen, ho!” Oh, he just tweeted: “Man, last night’s tacos were dope!” This is why your old footage is so cringy But dudes like Lux, Mook, and K-Shine had aged fine ‘Cause they were rappin’ about actual shit they’ve been through Just bang .9s and gang signs And rapping was just some hobby for smartasses you picked up in Grade 9 at Bayside Tellin’ your friends, “Yeah, basically, I just list celebrities whose names rhyme. It’s a great time!” I said, if the scene forgot about you, then they did it on purpose You’re the Scribble champ, right? Well, the shit I draw perfect Treat his head like a spinnin’ top Baryshnikov mixed with Bob Berkowitz And my dogs pullin’ somethin’ like the Iditarod circuit Fuck your timeline! I’m only here to get blocked up out it Gat in hand like a backup cam I can’t pull up to the spot without it Always soundin’ like his tonsils out Cottonmouth without a water fountain I would snatch that shit, but that’s one greasy chain like Waffle Houses I said, the kid’s been waitin’ for him to say, “Come outside” like your daughter grounded He’s a decorated vet? Well, he will be after there’s chalk around him They brought him out ‘cause the league was happy to do it And I been payin’ dues longer than a graduate student They act like this matchup is huge, but in reality, it’s a lateral movement ‘Cause I won’t get any better from rapping with a The Saurus Fuckin’ Canibus proved it You are a legend, though But I do wanna get a pic real quick Than-... Thanks, champ Oh, did you realize there’s a new feature on FaceApp? It shows me what it’d look like if your face was made out of the gravel under train tracks And…oh, never mind - my regular camera made that Time [Round 3: The Saurus] About a year ago…Steve said he was gonna quit battle rapping ‘cause of depression Pussy, please! This is your fifth battle since then, so…let’s give him that last push he needs Heard you finally went off the deep end, X You were slippin’, and fallin’...so I DM’d X Like, “What happened, bro?” He was in tears, said he was trapped, alone in darkness, like… Like…”You give a decade of your life to someone, and they start acting cold and heartless” I said, “I’ve had rough breakups, too, man. You’ll be back. I know you got this.” He said, “Nah, man. Not my marriage. I meant my battles no one watches.” Man, have some composure! I don’t think that shit is kosher But I mean, I guess, do what you gotta do if that brings you closure But if you could wait until after our battle is over to take a bath with your toaster… I’m just sayin’, maybe you’d win some fans back! Like, “Steve’s a real one! He did that for the Culture!” No lines drawn You’ve been battling since ‘09, dawg Still on the same plane you’ve spent your full adult life on Me? I’ve made my own waves until the low tide’s gone Now watch him get cooked the whole night long I kept the stove light on! Oh my God… Let’s lock this in before he withdraws the offer Or I’ll Air Bud, too (2) Shit, you can give dog the Oscar The force feels like twin rocket launchers But you really just got split by the fif’s like…”Live Long and Prosper” [Round 3: XQZ] Looked at your phone again, huh, Pete? Anything to get you to stop chokin’ Actually, there’s a distinct possibility I might do it too I should get this Google Doc open The Saurus…double meaning ‘Cause with vocab, he’s a beast I was watching your battle with Geechi Gotti the other day You know, Old Man and the C (Sea) [The Saurus] Let’s GO! [XQZ] He did that whole classic “predicting your angles” intro, like: “We all know I’m a pro gambler, Geech’ I’m an OG, I got a fine-ass girl, I’m in the market for a Volkswagen to lease” You were killin’ it! But we all know shit changes like clockwork, brother ‘Cause that French Canadian broad left, huh? Well, what can you do, man? It was Hot Girl Summer I mean, I bet this man had the wedding fuckin’ half-planned already Parted ways with Montreal and left wingin’ it in Vegas like Max Pacioretty I mean, we’ve all been through breakups like you said, man And I’m not really tryin’ to hate on it But turns out he dumped her ‘cause she painted a battle rap Mount Rushmore without his face on it [The Saurus] That’s a unforgivable offense [XQZ] That’s right! I said, but I ain’t come to joke around You know this clown’s been broken down So for my CoMo crowd, this is how a No Coast round’s supposed to sound I said, it’s been my moment! And I’m ‘bout to have him feel like time’s frozen I said, blow the whole field wide open like a cyclone in Wyoming The eye-rollin’, seein’ main stage spots that should be mine stolen Turtle from Entourage: this Chase is what keeps my drive goin’ This ain’t A.I. crossin’ Mike out of his sneakers This is Vince Papale still tryin’ to try out at receiver They see me at events like, “That’s battle rap’s future unsigned hype” They see you at events like, “Damn, must be alumni night” Old-timer! Seein’ you like this got me so inspired Over-grind, writin’ over ‘Meisters on my overnighters These seniors wanna kill my class, but they’ll never do it Heathers movie wit’ Winona Ryder when she opened fire This league’s been mine! I give a fuck how these ingrates feel After the first title, shit changed: that’s that clickbait feel If the kid skates, I deck him ‘til the grip tape peel This bitch get socked wit’ more knuckles than Tim Wakefield But this the part of the round where I get sincere again Kinda switch up the plan The fact that The Saurus isn’t on that Summer Impact card is ridiculous, man I mean, you’re a doggone legend Must be these gosh-dang idiot fans I mean, I don’t get it - you seem like a perfect freakin’ fit for the brand But researching his battles was tough There wasn’t a lot of insights that I could muster from ‘em ‘Cause he’s battled, like, a thousand times And I’ve only seen, like, 700 of ‘em So when I get sick of battle rap and start feeling it’s time to call quits I’ll use a legend as a punching bag to fight it off with Thanks